A Goddess Who Bring Happiness

A goddess who bring happiness,
That's the meaning of my name.
My mom gave me that name in her hard life,
I was born when my family had nothing,
When life was not good enough for a living.
When I was born,
she wanted me to become a child who will bring happiness to her life.
I'm the first child in my family,
Up until now,
I don't know how to make her happy.
To be given that meaningful name,
I don't know what to do.
When I was a child, I hardly smile,
My childhood was quite tough,
Everything make me hate about the world.
Everytime, as I remember, I always ask myself, why should I've been born?
I hate my life,
Until that day,
An untie of mine,
the oldest sister of my father told me to smile.
I don't know how she do that.
But, I slowly,
Gently,
Gradually smile.
But, I still hate the world. Lol
I regreted my life,
Now that I've told this story of mine,
I think that my life is full of regret.
As a child, I regret my birth.
Why do I have to be born?
I always ask myself that question.

As time passed by,
I gradually understand about life.
As I become a rebel,
become a teenager,
and gradually mature,
Slowly but sure,
I become grateful of my life.
Now that I become an adult,
I surely feel that my life is such a blessing.
I smile a lot,
Laugh a lot,
And be thankful everyday.
I don't know why,
But, now I'm happy with my life,
I'm grateful that I was born.
All I do is accept.
That's why, I have no regret now.
I want to live in the God way,
So, I accept everything that come to my life.
I mean, all the good parts and the bad parts.
Acceptance is an important matter in life.
Everyone should do it. Lol

Back to the topic about the meaning of my name and the relation to my family and mom,
up until now,
I've done everything to make my parents not to disappointed of me.
I study well,
I live well,
I don't do unnecessary thing,
I make my own rule to myself,
Everything that I do,
I do it for my parents.
I don't want them to be ashamed having me as their child.
That's what I think.
Then, as I become adult,
I found that my parents is not happy with their life.
Why is that?
Everything that I do gone invain.
They have no meaning to them.
But, I don't think much about that.
I'm doing my best until the end.
I'm doing my best for my own satisfaction then.

And now, at this age,
I still can't do anything about them.
My birth was supposed to make my parents happiness but,
it's not like that afterall.
When my mom complains about her life,
I couldn't say even a word.
I can't do anything.
Why is that?
Deep inside, I'm disappointed.
But, I couldn't do anything.

At this age, I should be worrying about myself.
At this age to be single,
unmarried,
It such a shame.
But, I can't help it.
I perhap too scared to marry.
My parents marriage life truly scare me.
I'm afraid.
What if I'll not happy like them?
There are a lot of what ifs.
But, I truly want to be happy.
I truly want to bring happiness to my mother.
I truly want to make my parent have a happy marriage life.
I pray for that evertime.

A goddess who bring happiness report to you. 🍀